Yesterday I drove a friend home from her chemotherapy appointment. She was starting a new regimen and wasn’t sure how she’d react to it, so she wasn’t sure she would be able to drive herself home. I was grateful that I was able to help her, considering there isn’t much else that I can do to help her deal with having terminal cancer. She, on the other hand, was sorry that she had to inconvenience me. She is uncomfortable with the ways that cancer has forced her to rely on friends for help with stuff she used to be able to easily handle on her own. I think anyone in her situation would be terrified of just how helpless they could become and how much they might have to rely on others to care for them and for their family before the whole thing would be over.
And you can’t really blame someone for feeling like that.
I don’t think anyone likes to ask for help from others. For some of us, asking for help makes us feel weak and incapable. Here in the US, we like to think of ourselves as independent and resourceful; we don’t rely on others, they rely on us. How that equation is supposed to work is beyond me. If everyone relies only on themselves, then being reliable for others is impossible. The math of this equation is beyond me, and I have two master’s degrees, so I’m not going to try and figure that one out. Instead, let’s deal with the assumptions that come with asking for help, one at a time.
Here we go, folks:
The truth is that humans are weak and incapable— every day, all the time, in one aspect or another of our life and health we humans are weak and incapable. Get used to it. No matter how healthy you are today, your body is ultimately frail and bound to fail. Eventually we will all need the services of a surgeon, a physical therapist, a mental health counselor, an oncologist, a rheumatologist, or a neurologist (just to name a few.) Eventually the frailty of our body will cause us to rely on our family, our friends, hired help, and even skilled nursing facilities just to be able to attend to our daily needs. Our bodies are fascinating machines, capable of so much but they are also capable of terrible amounts of sickness, frailty, and failure.
Get used to it. It isn’t a pleasant thought, but it is important to remember that birth is a terminal disease, as the mortality rate for human beings (as it is for all other living creatures) is 100%. If you are born, you will eventually die, and the majority of people will not come on their death suddenly but instead through a process of decline and increasing disability that will require the assistance of others in order to meet simple daily needs.
Having said that (rather bluntly…but I was hoping that we could talk turkey here on this blog)…
As a counselor, I frequently ask my clients why they have not asked friends and family for assistance when they are really struggling, and I get a host of reasons:
“I don’t want to be a bother.”
“I can never repay them for all their help.”
“I don’t want to be beholden to anyone.”
For my thoughts about the first one of those reasons, see the section above. You will be a bother occasionally, and that’s the way life works. Get used to being human for the sake of everyone who loves you, please.
But what is our issue with needing to ‘repay’ the good that is done for us?
We seem to view assistance from others as if it is a loan we receive from the bank, requiring repayment with interest. This is especially evident in the statement “I don’t want to be beholden to anyone.” This betrays the belief that any assistance we receive is like a debt held over our head to be called in at random when it will be most painful or perhaps even destructive.
Folks…our friends and family members are not loan sharks lurking around, hoping that we’ll need something from them so that they can squeeze us later for whatever we’re worth. If the people who supposedly ‘love’ us behave like that, perhaps it’s time to consider finding a new group of friends and putting some distance between ourselves and our extended families, because there is no love in behavior like that.
The other thing that this attitude betrays is a transactional sense of friendship and love. “You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.” There is nothing wrong with reciprocity; it gets a lot done in this world. The thing about reciprocity is that it creates a closed system where you only ever give to someone who can give back in equal amounts. The implication of such a system is that we often end up refusing to give to someone who cannot give back in equal amounts, and that puts service and random acts of kindness out in the cold. It also reduces all of our most loving relationships to simple transactions where we give only so that we can receive in kind.
And that seems to be a huge problem in our society these days: many of us refuse to give to others unless there is something explicit that we can receive in return. And don’t start on me about how giving to others “feels good”, because the people who refuse to be beholden to others only give for the “good feeling” when their giving is to faceless others like the poverty-stricken folks in Africa. It’s easy to give to faceless others, and so much harder to give or receive when the face before you is not only known, but in close relation to you; giving like that creates the emotional debt of “beholden-ness” that these people are trying so hard to avoid.
What would happen in the world if we simply abolished the concept of repayment when it comes to kind acts? What would happen if no one was ever beholden to the one who helped them?
I would remind you that Christ, who died so that we might know eternal life, did not expect a payback for his love or his sacrifice. You cannot give God anything as God possesses everything. God is not ever in need. Christ did, however, expect that we would take the grace and forgiveness that we received because of him and pass it on. He asked that we go to all corners of the world, making disciples and teaching them everything that he taught us…basically he asked that we give away all that we’ve learned from him and all that we’ve received from him, and then teach the next recipient to pass it on just as we have.
Jesus…turns out he’s the guy who invented “Pay it Forward.”
Perhaps that’s the answer to our feelings of indebtedness when someone helps us. Don’t pay it back! Take the grace that we’ve been given and pay it forward to the next person who needs us. Give to others as we have been given to. Help others as we have been helped. And give without thought of repayment because we have been given to by Jesus without any thought of repayment.
And when that day comes that we can no longer give to anyone—on the day that we find ourselves helpless to pay anything forward ever again—let us pay back the service we receive in humble thanks and genuine gratitude, something else that is in short supply these days.
Thank you for enduring my curmudgeonly frustrations. It isn’t often that I want to use this space to rail against human foolishness. You are a generous, giving reader and I intend to pay your kindness forward with a less curmudgeonly post shortly in the future.
That is all.