Monthly Archives: May 2017

Vive La Différence!

Once again I have fallen into the extrovert/introvert chasm, which inevitably leads to injuries based in assumptions that are usually incorrect and self-damaging.

Let’s start with some simple information:

Introverts are people who are fascinated by the interior world of thought.  Introverts love to interact with people, but on a limited basis because interacting with others drains their energy. In other words, being social drains an introvert of energy, requiring them to spend time alone to recharge and recoup.  Introverts in conversation tend to listen, think, synthesize and then respond. They are great folks to have in any group because they are incredibly capable of identifying emerging trends in group thought, pointing out inconsistencies in the group’s thinking and problem solving, and they are apt at summarizing and creating solid, useful conclusions.  Introverts are a quiet, thoughtful bunch of folks and that is their greatest strength.

The problem with introverts is that they are a quiet, thoughtful bunch of folks. This can be problematic when they are meeting new people who are extroverts. Introverted behavior is often perceived negatively by extroverts, who often experience introverts as standoffish, judgmental, and rejecting.  In all actuality, introverts are usually uncomfortable and anxious around new folks so they are especially quiet and thoughtful…and of course those thoughts play across the introvert’s face. Extroverts read those expressions and discern that the introvert is thinking quite a bit but they don’t know what the introvert is thinking…and human nature is to assume negative intent.  Consequently extroverts often find themselves perceiving introverts as rejecting and judgmental when the introvert is simply listening and trying to be cordial in a difficult situation because social interaction is draining and sometimes even anxious for them.

Extroverts are people who are fascinated with the exterior world of people and interaction. Extroverts love to interact with people because social interaction is energizing. Extroverts are gregarious and energetic, assertive and talkative. Extroverts can enjoy being alone and doing solitary things like reading and meditation, but in order to recharge, an extrovert will usually spend time with friends and family. Extroverts are great folks to have in a group because they help generate energy and bonding within the group; extroverts tend to be the ones that prevent group activities or group work from stalling and becoming boring or non-productive. Extroverts are quite talkative and they usually prefer to think out loud; this proves to be useful when groups are attempting to brainstorm or generate new ideas.  Extroverts are an outgoing, talkative, energetic bunch of folks and that is their greatest strength.

The problem with extroverts is that they are an outgoing, talkative, energetic bunch of folks. This can be problematic for the introverts in their circle. Extroverts are assertive and outgoing in their interactions with others, which can be overwhelming to the introverts around them. Moreover, introverts are a quiet bunch, which can make it difficult for them to get a word in edgewise when they are with an extrovert. What’s harder for introverts is that introverts tend to speak after they have thought things through; they evaluate their thoughts for validity so that they don’t spout any BS when they speak, therefore a lot goes into each sentence spoken before it comes out of an introvert’s mouth. Extroverts, on the other hand, speak in order to think. It’s not that extroverts are incapable of thought unless they are speaking. It’s that an introvert’s ‘BS indicator’ is located inside their brain and an extrovert’s ‘BS indicators’ are in their ears.  Thoughts in an extrovert’s head can seem perfectly valid and sensible until the extrovert speaks them out loud and then suddenly the extrovert realizes their error…or the BS!  Basically, extroverts speak to think so that they can practice evaluative thought, something that introverts do silently. The problem with this is that introverts—a group of people who only speak after they have practiced evaluative thought—often experience talkative extroverts as feeling like ‘bossy know-it-alls’ who think every one of their opinions are absolutely correct and that everyone should agree with them. This is a false assumption on the part of the introvert, but it can leave introverts feeling as if extroverts are judgmental and unwilling to listen to the opinions of others…which can feel quite rejecting.

In other words, introverts and extroverts encounter each other and both can go away feeling rejected and judged.

And both of them are usually WRONG.

Extroverts need to be mindful that introverts are naturally quiet and thoughtful. That behavior (which extroverts interpret as rejection and judgment) has nothing to do with the extrovert and everything to do with the introvert behaving like themselves.  This is how introverts are created by God…they are wonderful people and you want them among your friends and on your work/ministry team.  Always remember that introverts are busy thinking (and they are not usually thinking about you, Mr/Ms Extrovert.)   If you are an extrovert, remember that you won’t feel rejected or judged by an introvert if you choose to interpret their behaviors as evidence of their quiet, thoughtful nature.  And if you want to hear what an introvert is thinking, stop speaking. Every now and then, spend 30-60 full seconds in silence; many introverts need a break in conversation in order to feel comfortable speaking.  If you (Mr/Ms Extrovert) start feeling rejected and judged, remember that your thinking drives your feelings, and you always have the right to remind yourself that introverts are a quiet, thoughtful bunch who are no more rejecting and judgmental than you are.  Moreover, their BS indicators are in their mind, which means they need to run all their thoughts through the BS indicator before they speak and that causes introverts to be silent for longer than extroverts may be comfortable with. Please, extroverts, give the introverts around you space to be who they are and who they were created to be, and give yourself space to appreciate all the good stuff that introverts bring to the table.

Introverts need to be mindful that extroverts are super-comfortable when they are with others, and that causes them to think out loud even more than they do when they are alone. (Yes…extroverts often talk to themselves when they are alone so they can practice evaluative thinking.) That behavior has nothing to do with the introvert and everything to do with the extroverts behaving like themselves.  This is how extroverts are created by God…they are wonderful people and you want them among your friends and on your work/ministry team.  Always remember that extroverts think out loud so those sentences they are speaking are NOT usually conclusions and are probably just thoughts that will hopefully lead to a wise and thoughtful conclusion.  Extroverts are as open to changing their opinions as any introvert might be, and if you share your opinion with them, you might discover just how much extroverts love spirited conversations. Their energy may make them appear argumentative…and some extroverts are argumentative, just like some introverts are argumentative.  Don’t mistake energy for argument, and never mistake statements for conclusions. Also, remember that extroverts do not expect you to agree with them no matter how energetically they share their opinion.  Again, don’t mistake energy for argument. If you (Mr/Ms Introvert) start feeling rejected and judged, remember that your thinking drives your feelings, and you always have the right to remind yourself that extroverts are an outgoing, energetic, talkative bunch who are no more rejecting and judgmental than you are.  Moreover, their BS indicators are in their ears, so extroverts need to talk so that they can evaluate their own thoughts for fallacy or error and that can cause extroverts to talk more than introverts may be comfortable with.  Please, introverts, give the extroverts around you space to be who they are and who they were created to be, and give yourself space to appreciate all the good stuff that extroverts bring to the table.

Most important in all this is to remember that God created as we are, and while we can learn from each other and grow as people, we cannot change our basic personality. Introversion/Extroversion is a component of basic personality that God determines (or you could say ‘installs’) when He creates us.  While I thoroughly encourage each of us to grow and become more and more of what God created us to be, I want to remind you that first you must embrace that creation fully.  Extroverts don’t often become introverts; not without the kind of injury or trauma that changes us by force.  Introverts are not supposed to become extroverts either, and any injury or trauma they sustain often only serves to increase the level of their introversion. In the end, we need to embrace our creation and then seek to use it to the best advantage of the Kingdom.

And when it comes to understanding and accepting each other, we need to remember that our perceptions of each other drive our feelings about one another.  As individuals, we are always free to challenge our perceptions in order to grant the other person some grace…like maybe trying not to automatically ascribe negative intent to their behaviors…like maybe perceiving differences as helpful and accepting others for their particular weirdness without deciding that their particular weirdness renders them less acceptable or ‘good’ than we are.  Finally, I encourage you to consider that the person who is closest to your polar opposite will likely be the most irritating person you meet…and also the person who has the biggest gift to offer you.  After all, their perspective might not even be visible to you because of how different you are from each other…and do you really want to be blind to the experience of another person? Probably not.

The hardest path is often the best, and the most unfamiliar thing, the most valuable.

Vive la différence!

Holy Discontent, Batman!

Do you remember when I told you that I had a case of the BLAHs? I realized that God had placed some holy discontent into my life to get me out of my rut and move me forward.

Things were getting better there for a while.  I got a workbook about burnout and compassion fatigue. I started reading it and took the tests to see just how burned out I was, how badly beaten and fatigued that my compassion had become.

Guess what? I’m not burned out and I don’t have compassion fatigue.

Apparently, the longer you are a practicing counselor the more likely you have let go of unrealistic beliefs about what you should be able to achieve and have accepted that you will have unlimited capacity for compassion and giving.

I took those tests and discovered that I was just fine, scoring somewhere in the range where folks who’ve been in the industry over 10 years tend to score.

It was great relief.

I also started doing things that bring me happiness just to do them. I started baking regularly and trying new recipes for weekend dinners.  It was fun! I love to bake and I love to watch baking shows.

I was starting to smile and laugh and feel human again and I felt like my holy discontent was lifting.

And then…

A colleague gave me some feedback that was very uncomfortable, and while I’m not sure it’s accurate, I’m also not sure that it isn’t right on the money.  I have chewed on this feedback for more than two days now, and I’m beginning to find streaks of truth that I want to understand more deeply.

It’s not fun. I’m teary and uncomfortable. I feel vulnerable and exposed. I don’t like this one bit.

On the other hand, I told you that God has this kind habit of putting people in my path to help me discern His will, and then I asked Him to break my heart and set me on fire for His Kingdom.

Well…my heart feels a little broken and this person was definitely in my path.

As much as I don’t like it, I do believe God is answering my prayer.  And while it isn’t comfortable, answers to prayer are always good news.  I also know that following God’s will can be profoundly disturbing when you first start down the path, but God always works amazing miracles around us and in us when we submit to Him fully.

It appears the holy discontent train has left the station with me on board and I am on my way.  I’ll keep you posted as things develop.

My Curmudgeon Speaks

Yesterday I drove a friend home from her chemotherapy appointment. She was starting a new regimen and wasn’t sure how she’d react to it, so she wasn’t sure she would be able to drive herself home.  I was grateful that I was able to help her, considering there isn’t much else that I can do to help her deal with having terminal cancer.  She, on the other hand, was sorry that she had to inconvenience me.  She is uncomfortable with the ways that cancer has forced her to rely on friends for help with stuff she used to be able to easily handle on her own.  I think anyone in her situation would be terrified of just how helpless they could become and how much they might have to rely on others to care for them and for their family before the whole thing would be over.

And you can’t really blame someone for feeling like that.

I don’t think anyone likes to ask for help from others. For some of us, asking for help makes us feel weak and incapable. Here in the US, we like to think of ourselves as independent and resourceful; we don’t rely on others, they rely on us.  How that equation is supposed to work is beyond me. If everyone relies only on themselves, then being reliable for others is impossible.  The math of this equation is beyond me, and I have two master’s degrees, so I’m not going to try and figure that one out. Instead, let’s deal with the assumptions that come with asking for help, one at a time.

Here we go, folks:

The truth is that humans are weak and incapable— every day, all the time, in one aspect or another of our life and health we humans are weak and incapable. Get used to it. No matter how healthy you are today, your body is ultimately frail and bound to fail.  Eventually we will all need the services of a surgeon, a physical therapist, a mental health counselor, an oncologist, a rheumatologist, or a neurologist (just to name a few.)  Eventually the frailty of our body will cause us to rely on our family, our friends, hired help, and even skilled nursing facilities just to be able to attend to our daily needs.  Our bodies are fascinating machines, capable of so much but they are also capable of terrible amounts of sickness, frailty, and failure.

Get used to it.  It isn’t a pleasant thought, but it is important to remember that birth is a terminal disease, as the mortality rate for human beings (as it is for all other living creatures) is 100%. If you are born, you will eventually die, and the majority of people will not come on their death suddenly but instead through a process of decline and increasing disability that will require the assistance of others in order to meet simple daily needs.

Having said that (rather bluntly…but I was hoping that we could talk turkey here on this blog)…

As a counselor, I frequently ask my clients why they have not asked friends and family for assistance when they are really struggling, and I get a host of reasons:

“I don’t want to be a bother.”

“I can never repay them for all their help.”

“I don’t want to be beholden to anyone.”

For my thoughts about the first one of those reasons, see the section above.  You will be a bother occasionally, and that’s the way life works. Get used to being human for the sake of everyone who loves you, please.

But what is our issue with needing to ‘repay’ the good that is done for us?

We seem to view assistance from others as if it is a loan we receive from the bank, requiring repayment with interest.  This is especially evident in the statement “I don’t want to be beholden to anyone.”  This betrays the belief that any assistance we receive is like a debt held over our head to be called in at random when it will be most painful or perhaps even destructive.

Folks…our friends and family members are not loan sharks lurking around, hoping that we’ll need something from them so that they can squeeze us later for whatever we’re worth. If the people who supposedly ‘love’ us behave like that, perhaps it’s time to consider finding a new group of friends and putting some distance between ourselves and our extended families, because there is no love in behavior like that.

The other thing that this attitude betrays is a transactional sense of friendship and love. “You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”  There is nothing wrong with reciprocity; it gets a lot done in this world. The thing about reciprocity is that it creates a closed system where you only ever give to someone who can give back in equal amounts.  The implication of such a system is that we often end up refusing to give to someone who cannot give back in equal amounts, and that puts service and random acts of kindness out in the cold. It also reduces all of our most loving relationships to simple transactions where we give only so that we can receive in kind.

And that seems to be a huge problem in our society these days: many of us refuse to give to others unless there is something explicit that we can receive in return.  And don’t start on me about how giving to others “feels good”, because the people who refuse to be beholden to others only give for the “good feeling” when their giving is to faceless others like the poverty-stricken folks in Africa.  It’s easy to give to faceless others, and so much harder to give or receive when the face before you is not only known, but in close relation to you; giving like that creates the emotional debt of “beholden-ness” that these people are trying so hard to avoid.

What would happen in the world if we simply abolished the concept of repayment when it comes to kind acts? What would happen if no one was ever beholden to the one who helped them?

I would remind you that Christ, who died so that we might know eternal life, did not expect a payback for his love or his sacrifice.  You cannot give God anything as God possesses everything.  God is not ever in need. Christ did, however, expect that we would take the grace and forgiveness that we received because of him and pass it on.  He asked that we go to all corners of the world, making disciples and teaching them everything that he taught us…basically he asked that we give away all that we’ve learned from him and all that we’ve received from him, and then teach the next recipient to pass it on just as we have.

Jesus…turns out he’s the guy who invented “Pay it Forward.”

Perhaps that’s the answer to our feelings of indebtedness when someone helps us. Don’t pay it back! Take the grace that we’ve been given and pay it forward to the next person who needs us. Give to others as we have been given to. Help others as we have been helped.  And give without thought of repayment because we have been given to by Jesus without any thought of repayment.

And when that day comes that we can no longer give to anyone—on the day that we find ourselves helpless to pay anything forward ever again—let us pay back the service we receive in humble thanks and genuine gratitude, something else that is in short supply these days.

Thank you for enduring my curmudgeonly frustrations.  It isn’t often that I want to use this space to rail against human foolishness.  You are a generous, giving reader and I intend to pay your kindness forward with a less curmudgeonly post shortly in the future.

That is all.

Unclean

So…we United Methodists have been in the news lately.

Nothing big, we just elected ourselves an openly gay bishop last July and someone on the other side of the nation got their undies in a knot about it and asked the United Methodist Judicial Council for a ruling about whether or not this was ‘legal’ under the UMC Book of Discipline rules regarding clergy and specifically bishops.

The Book of Discipline (BOD) of the United Methodist Church states that homosexuality of any kind (thus including all LGBTQIA persons) is ‘incompatible with Christian teaching’ although the BOD does say that the UMC affirms “that all persons are individuals of sacred worth, created in the image of God.”  Then in a later section on ordained ministry, the BOD goes on to restate how “the practice of homosexuality is incompatible with Christian teaching. Therefore self-avowed practicing homosexuals are not to be…ordained as ministers…or appointed to serve in the United Methodist Church.”

Wow…feels discriminatory to me.  Not what I want to see in my church’s polity.

Setting that aside, I have been thinking all week about that statement “incompatible with Christian teaching.”

Says WHO??

Who decides what is “Christian teaching”?  Is there a central committee somewhere that I’m not aware of?   I’m really confused about the statement “incompatible with Christian teaching”.

You see…I went to seminary, and when I was in seminary, I read a host of theology books. Some of those books were written by neo-Orthodox theologians like Karl Barth, some were written by evangelical theologians like Stanley Grenz, some were by liberationist theologians like Ronaldo Muñoz or Dorote Sölle, some were written by process theologians like Marjorie Suchoki or C. Robert Mesle, and some were by progressive theologians like Phillip Gulley or Roger Wolsey. Basically, I read a whole lot of theologians who understood God in very different ways, and how they defined ‘Christian teaching’ differed. Some basics (like the existence of God and Jesus) were the same from theologian to theologian, but what each theologian considered important was different and unique, and therefore the things they defined as tenets of ‘Christian teaching’ was also unique.

What I’m trying to tell you is that there very little consensus as to what the full complement of ‘Christian teaching’ is, so to have something as basic as sexuality be ‘incompatible with Christian teaching’ begs the question “Whose Christian teaching?”  Because it is not incompatible with my Christian teaching or that of many of my colleagues and we all have Master’s of Divinity degrees and are ordained ministers and therefore theologians in our own right.  Moreover, we have a lot of theologians who are far more well-known and well-spoken than we are who back us up.

The thing that strikes me as odd is that the Book of Discipline doesn’t state that homosexuality is forbidden in the Bible (Rom 1:26-27), or that it is an abomination to the Lord (Lev 18:22), or that it is a sin and therefore worthy of condemnation (Lev 20:13).  The Book of Discipline doesn’t cite scripture to condemn homosexuality, it just gives a weak statement about homosexuality’s ‘compatibility with Christian teaching.’

Well, if that’s the argument they are using, then let’s get out our Bibles and turn to Acts 10. It’s time for some ‘Christian teaching’.

9b Peter went up on the roof to pray. 10 He became hungry and wanted something to eat; and while it was being prepared, he fell into a trance. 11 He saw the heaven opened and something like a large sheet coming down, being lowered to the ground by its four corners. 12 In it were all kinds of four-footed creatures and reptiles and birds of the air. 13 Then he heard a voice saying, “Get up, Peter; kill and eat.” 14 But Peter said, “By no means, Lord; for I have never eaten anything that is profane or unclean.” 15 The voice said to him again, a second time, “What God has made clean, you must not call profane.” 16 This happened three times, and the thing was suddenly taken up to heaven. 17 Now while Peter was greatly puzzled about what to make of the vision that he had seen, suddenly the men sent by Cornelius appeared. They were asking for Simon’s house and were standing by the gate. 18 They called out to ask whether Simon, who was called Peter, was staying there. 19 While Peter was still thinking about the vision, the Spirit said to him, “Look, three men are searching for you. 20 Now get up, go down, and go with them without hesitation; for I have sent them.” 21 So Peter went down to the men and said, “I am the one you are looking for; what is the reason for your coming?” 22 They answered, “Cornelius, a centurion, an upright and God-fearing man, who is well spoken of by the whole Jewish nation, was directed by a holy angel to send for you to come to his house and to hear what you have to say.” 23 So Peter invited them in and gave them lodging. The next day he got up and went with them, and some of the believers from Joppa accompanied him. 24 The following day they came to Caesarea. Cornelius was expecting them and had called together his relatives and close friends. 25 On Peter’s arrival Cornelius met him, and falling at his feet, worshiped him. 26 But Peter made him get up, saying, “Stand up; I am only a mortal.” 27 And as he talked with him, he went in and found that many had assembled; 28 and he said to them, “You yourselves know that it is unlawful for a Jew to associate with or to visit a Gentile; but God has shown me that I should not call anyone profane or unclean.   (Acts 10:9b-28 NRSV)

Okay, anyone with half a brain who wants to argue with me is going to read this and say “Yeah, but this is about the food laws.”

NO it is not. The vision was about food, but the rest of the passage of scripture is about God sending Peter to teach a Gentile, a man who Peter (a righteous Jew) would have found unclean according to Jewish law. Let me remind you that Jewish law is laid out in books of the Bible like Deuteronomy and Leviticus, a book that I quoted earlier in reference to laws against homosexuality.

In Acts 10:28, Peter tells Cornelius and the people in his home that it is unlawful for a Jew to associate with or to visit Gentiles, and then Peter says “but God has shown me that I should not call anyone profane or unclean.”   God didn’t tell Peter that the laws in question were now null and void.  The laws stood as they were written and yet…God was simply no longer interested in maintaining God’s own law when it caused certain people to be cast aside and considered unworthy.

The point of today’s Christian teaching is: God has shown me that I should not call anyone profane or unclean.

God has shown me that I should NOT call anyone profane or unclean, no matter how nicely I do it, or how sweetly I preface it with a statement acknowledging that “all persons are of sacred worth, created in the image of God.”

If God has shown me that I should not call anyone profane or unclean, wouldn’t it be ‘incompatible with Christian teaching’ to label someone unfit for ministry because of their sexuality?

Yeah, I’m thinking so.

And if we don’t want to be profane and unclean ourselves, maybe we should knock that off, you think?